the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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