All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
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