how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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