Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
she peed on how many people?
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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