U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
