I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize