Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
