girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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