2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
