i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
