I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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