I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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