theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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