I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize