so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
