My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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