ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Four minutes until I can fart!
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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