I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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