I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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