Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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