I CAN MOONWALK!
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
