wanna go halves on a baby?
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
