this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
