my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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