got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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