A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
