god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
