only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
