Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
