Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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