One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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