Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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