A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
