Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
