my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
And then he peed in my hair
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