I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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