I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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