wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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