youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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