Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
