Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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