I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize