I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
