everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Sober January is a disaster.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
