I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
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