a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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