Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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