btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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