i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
