Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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