I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
