I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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