they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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