dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
