Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
