Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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