there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
