I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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