I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
