i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i dont even know how to be here
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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